You and your boyfriend have been apart for almost a year now. What caused the separation was the fact that he couldn’t control that thing in his pants. He cheated. And he cheated with some ugly-as-dirt chick too.
At the time he couldn’t be a bigger jerk. What idiot decides to move in with his girlfriend and then cheats with some skank on the 4th floor in the same apartment building? With him being the dumb as nails idiot and you being the strong woman that you are, you decided to jump ship. Why should you be with someone that doesn’t respect you? You’re not an ugly woman. It’s not like the suitors aren’t there. You’ve still got the baby-cakes to move the eyeballs. Why should you take that?
When you confronted him he came up with that oh-so-old response that all men sing during their moment of weakness:
“I’m sorry baby. I will never do it again.”
Like you were really going to give him the opportunity. Yeah, right. How stupid did he think you were?
Things had been steadily going downhill in your relationship. Although the two of you were in college, it seemed like he never went to class. Day after day he sat on your sofa eating chips, glued to the TV. He was a slacker.
And his cheating was really the perfect excuse for you to end the relationship. None of your friends liked him. To be truthful, you didn’t even know if you did. You definitely didn’t love him. The two of you fought about everything from what to watch on television to which sexual position you were going to participate in. His personal hygiene was a constant work in progress. On most days it ranged from decent to “get your stinking carcass in the shower”. It didn’t make sense for a woman to have to tell a grown man that he smelled like dumpster juice.
Yeah, you can say things were bad. And so, with that laundry list of incompatibility, you ended it.
And then last week you ran into him at a party. Talk about a total transformation… Wow! He was looking hot.
You couldn’t believe the change that he made. Not only was every one of your girlfriends absolutely panting over him, he worked the room like a skilled politician; talking and greeting and smiling. Everyone wanted to be near him, even the guys! The two of you briefly made eye contact and like a coward you left the party.
One day you’re out doing some shopping and you get a tap on your shoulder. It’s him! His athletic frame seems to have magically absorbed that beer gut he once had.
In its place is washboard abs that you could grate cheese over. His hair is neatly trimmed and in perfect symmetry with his face. French cologne fills your nose like the sweet kiss of spring flowers. You try to remain calm. What the heck happened to him?
The two of you go out for a coffee and discuss everything from what caused your breakup to what the two of you have been up to since that time. Your opinion of him rises with every word that comes out of his mouth. He speaks of regret, maturity, having purpose, and responsibility like those words have been tattooed on his heart. You absolutely melt over what you’re hearing.
He then drops a bomb on you…
He wants you back! He’s seen the error in his ways and wants to move forward with you. Your breath escapes you. You feel like diving into his arms and screaming “Yes!” but that seems a bit too rushed. What should you do? Should you take him back?
Taking back someone who’s wronged you is a very complicated process. It requires that you not only assess the damage that your ex did to you, it also requires you to weigh the odds of them doing it again.
Some people have successfully rekindled a relationship and gone on for complete success after a bad breakup. It’s as though the situation caused them to take stock of their lives and make a change for the better.
But some reconnections go terribly wrong. Past issues often resurface through new ways. A guy who cheated previously may decide to cheat with another person. The woman, not over the pain and humiliation that was caused when her boyfriend stepped out, goes for all out revenge and sleeps with one of his friends. And then in some cases the people simply lose the spark. Time has eroded so much that they simply are different people who bear no resemblance to the people they once were.
So what should you do?
I am personally against rekindling an old relationship that was ended due to infidelity or abuse.
While most people can change, most people are too lazy to exert real effort to alter their trajectory. Once people reach a certain age they are who they are. Change is minimal. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. The only thing that time does is make them better at hiding their infidelities.
Here are 5 Reasons you shouldn’t take him back:
- You broke up for a reason: I know he may seem like he’s changed but you need to focus on internal worth and not exterior polish. Why did you break up with this person in the first place?
If he were what you wanted he would’ve never thought to cheat. People don’t make mistakes when it comes to infidelity. It takes a lot of intentional effort to find another person and then sleep with them.
- People don’t really change: Children change. Maybe teenagers. But full-fledged adults? Nope. They rarely change. There’s a reason that the world has so many therapists who make a killing off of adults.They realize that the money to be made isn’t in the cure. The money is in the comeback. Adults can’t cure themselves of themselves and so they just keep repeating the same issue, thinking the problem was in their approach and not in their action. They are what they are and you just have to accept that and move on.
- It’s dumb: It takes a lot of balls to cheat on a person and then have the audacity to ask them to come back. Who does that? That’s the equivalent of someone being shot by a person and then asking for the opportunity to be trusted by the previous shooter again. Please. The victim is not thinking rationally if they even entertain this idea. If someone hurts you one time, it becomes easier to hurt you the second time.
- It’s selfish: If you truly changed or cared about the person you hurt, could you really ask them to give you another chance? My answer is “no”. Redoing a relationship is mostly about the person who did the damage. Why would you want to reward someone for hurting you? You can forgive them. That is perfectly fine. But to be asked to place yourself in that situation again is pretty selfish.
- Image erosion: There is no doubt that you told your friends how your boyfriend was a dog and cheated on you. I’m sure you all had a powwow in your living room and cried and cursed about how he was the devil’s son. As a matter of fact your family probably knows he hurt you too. So imagine what they’re all going to say when you announce to the world that you’ve decided to take him back. Even if he’s as honest as a baby, you’ve placed him in an unwinnable position. He will be forever remembered in your family as the guy that hurt my little girl. Your friends will take a giant squat on his name and anything dealing with him. They’ll spy on him. Some will even tell lies about him. It’s fair to say your image as well as his will be trash.
There are a lot of reasons to consider taking someone back but I am firmly against it. To me, you ended things for a reason and that reason should not be forgotten. Forgive him for hurting you. You absolutely must do that to continue your own personal growth. But forgiveness does not mean you have to get in his bed again. That’s kinda dumb.