I recently visited my grandparents for two weeks. Spending some time around my grandparents has been an educational experience to say the least. On top of gaining access to the best food on the planet, I’ve learned quite a bit about love and romance by watching them. My grandparents are basically a couple of teenagers in old folk bodies. They joke, laugh, fight and love with the same passion as your run of the mill teenagers. A lot of it is cute and some of it is admittedly gross (from a grandson’s perspective) but it’s all been educational.
One of the most interesting things I’ve noticed is my grandmother’s skill in dealing with my grandfather. After watching her for a few weeks I’ve ultimately come to this conclusion: My grandmother is a straight G in playing my grandfather. She knows all of the right words to say and his reactions before he even knows it. If my grandfather were a piano, my grandmother would surely be Mozart.
After watching them a serious question popped into my head. Do women even know the power they possess by playing their men?
First, let me define the word “play”. No, I’m not speaking about being unethical or mean to hurt your significant other. I’m not talking about lying, cheating, or stealing. I’m simply talking about knowing every thing about your partner and utilizing that knowledge to bend them towards your requests.
To all of you male and female feminists out there, save your ammunition. I can hear you now.
“A woman or a man shouldn’t have to play anyone. It should always be about honesty and openness and trust.”
Whoever thinks that, kindly slap yourself right now.
Thirty-year marriages don’t make it to that point by being so politically correct. Speak to anyone who’s been married for a significant amount of time and they will tell you that you pick your battles. And winning a majority of those battles depends on how well you do your homework.
This is not a dating woman’s game. In order to apply these tools, you need significant time in your relationship to learn the ins and outs of your partner. We’re talking years people. People who are dating possess that fast food mentality and look to jump ship at the first sign of trouble. But it takes a special kind of woman to play her man. It takes sophistication, a willingness to control your emotions and to occasionally take an L for the sake of applying a losing experience to a winning future encounter.
So how do you do it? How does a woman successfully play her man? Here are five examples of how women can play their men:
1. The Shopping Diversion: Saying women like to shop could be viewed as a sexist statement if it weren’t true. I haven’t met a single woman in my life that doesn’t like to pick up a nice handbag or a pair of shoes. But men generally don’t enjoy footing the bill for such events. In fact, most men absolutely hate when their women go off to the store for one item and return with loads and loads of goodies they never bothered mentioning.
The next time you go shopping: Pay attention to your partner. Find that special item that he’s absolutely dying to have. Every man has one of those items. Whether it’s a jersey or Jordans or a video game, we all have that one item that we would kill to get. Once you discover what that item is, buy it on your next day out shopping. When you come in the door and he looks at you with that, “I thought you were only buying….” Face, pull out that gift and say to him,
“I have a surprise for you…” and plop that in his lap. You know what? He won’t even see those other 900 bags you brought into the house for yourself. Guess what? You just played him.
2. The Baby Whisperer: Let’s say your man is seriously angry about something. It could be anything. You’re both heated and are shooting lightening bolts through your eyes at each other from opposite ends of the room.
Tactic: Stop yelling. Move really close to him. Stare him directly in the eyes and place your hand on his chest. Rub gently and speak:
“Baby, can you just listen to me without speaking for 2 minutes?” After he relents and agrees to listen you say,
“I know we’re upset now. But please, let’s remember that we love one another. You mean so much to me and this issue is not bigger than my love for you. Let’s not fight, please?”
Once you whisper those words and he calms down, you allow a little time to elapse. Apply kisses.
Hold hands. Watch a TV show. And slowly throw a sentence or two related to what the argument was about in between your romantic activities. Pretty soon he’ll give up. This tactic requires a lot of discipline and timing on your part. You have to know when to speak about the issue after things have calmed down. But applying this strategy correctly wins the battle for you 80% of the time.
3. I Hate Football: Most women would rather spend time with their man than to retreat to the bedroom while he watches sports. In most cases you’re pretty much toast. God forbid if the Playoffs are on or it’s some major sporting event. You’ll never get through. But there are those times when you can control the environment.
Tactic: Sit next to him during his favorite sporting event (or even just on a night when you want his attention). Ask questions. Unless you know his teams, you’re trying to educate yourself. Most men will be slightly annoyed by this (I know I would be).
Subtly make your move. Toss your leg over his leg. Move closer to him. Do not be obvious with your strategy. Giving him a big kiss during a key scoring drive will set off all kinds of alarms.
Kiss him on the cheek. Walk to the kitchen and ask him if he wants a beer. Return to his side and become more physical with your intentions. Move his hand here or there. Kiss his cheek or his earlobe. After a small amount of time he’s not going to be watching tv any more.
This tactic combines two powerful items: frustration and sexuality. When applied properly no man can resist.
4. The Silent Attack: Okay, so he’s done something to really make you angry. You have two ways of responding. The typical way (which is what most people do) and complain about it. Or you could use this tactic:
Tactic: When he’s done something that really makes you angry, give him complete silence. No talking. No nothing. Go to your mom’s house. Go to bed. Go to the grocery store. Where ever you go just disappear. And this is what you need to remember…. DO NOT SPEAK. Hold your tongue for 48 hours or longer. I know…I know… There are a million marriage counselors that will tell you that communication is the key in a healthy relationship. But you’re not positioning for that. You’re trying to gain leverage.
After a while, go to him and tell him what’s wrong. Don’t smile. Don’t break character. Tell him exactly how it made you feel.
Silence again! But this time you’re holding silence until he comes to you and apologizes. When he does, use that moment in which you forgive him to get access to something you’ve really wanted to do and he objected to. In essence you’ve used his error as a method of payoff. Now you should be careful with this one. You don’t want to apply it too frequently because you might have him thinking he can treat you any kind of way and pay off the debt. Nah. We don’t want that. But this is definitely good when used every year or so. Sorry, you dating folks probably can’t use this one without playing yourself.
5. Girls Trip: Have you ever wanted to take a trip with your girls that you knew your man would object to with every fiber in his body? There’s a simple way to get it. Play him.
Every man has a set of friends that he rolls with. And trust me, if you knew all of the things they were in to you’d probably object. And chances are they want to go to some place that you’ve heard about from your girls as NEVER ALLOW MY MAN THERE, places.
Don’t act like you don’t know. Brazil, Dominican Republic, Amsterdam. Yeah, you’ve heard.
Tactic: Ladies, this can only be used if you have complete trust in your man. The next time he requests to go to some vacation spot with his boys, guess what? Let him go. But do so with the strict rule in place that if he goes, he has to let you go to a place of your choosing with your girls. Men are so silly, he’ll be thinking about all of the fun he and his boys can have while vacationing. He WILL NOT be thinking of the reason you want to go on your trip or even where that trip may be. Jamaica, London, Vegas…. Yeah, he knows.
Once you’ve demonstrated that you trust him and he goes, you’ve put the relationship on an adult path. And judging on how the both of you behave, you’ve opened all doors to taking vacations to whatever destination you like indefinitely.
Played. Played. Played.