Hey, we all make mistakes. To think that you’re going to go through life without a blemish on your love record is foolish. Making bad choices is the mantra of all human beings from the day we’re born until the day we depart this earth.
But let’s also be honest about this fact: Some of us make some hellacious mistakes when it comes to love! I’m talking epic-dummy situations.
Just recently one of my friends made the boneheaded mistake of cheating on his girlfriend of 3 years. But the rotten cherry on the top of that? He messed around and got the female he was cheating with pregnant!
Well…. What did his girlfriend do? She was devastated for a while and then…. She forgave him.
I know how this sounds. Most of you are like,
“What????” Yes. She forgave him.
If you asked most women what they would do if their lover experienced such a stupid thing, 10 out of 10 women would give one of the following responses:
1. “I’d cut his d**k off!”
2. “I’d leave him.”
3. “I’d beat his a** and THEN I’d leave him.”
But the honest answer when in this scenario is “I don’t know” because you truly don’t.
There are so many factors involved in something like this that it’s almost mind numbing to think about. Not only do you have to deal with the betrayal you feel and the strong possibility that he may do it again. You also have to contend with the fact that there is an innocent child involved.
My friend crawled back from months of cold shoulders and plenty of “f**k you” moments to come in from the rain. We’re talking at a minimum of 15 months. She held him to task for what he did. To her, it wasn’t at all about the child. It was mostly about the carelessness that he displayed. He risked her health for a jump-off. He lied to her. He hid the child for months and made her look like a fool to friends.
But the biggest issue she had to contend with? Trust. She just couldn’t trust him anymore. And to be honest, even to this day I would say she doesn’t trust him 100%. Trust is like an expensive glass vase. When it’s whole it’s beautiful and shimmering with glory for all the world to see. But when it breaks, all the superglue in the world isn’t going to make it as whole as it was. And so, you need to decide if you can live with the cracks and imperfections.
So, what should you do if he cheats and gets another woman pregnant?
1. Go to a doctor: The baby is important, but your health is even more-so. Get yourself checked out. Because that new baby tells you one big thing: He didn’t use protection. And scientifically, if a condom wasn’t used, you may as well have had a threesome with the jump-off and every other woman that he may have slept with.
2. Get space immediately: If you’re living together, move out. If you see each other every day, stop seeing him. Communicate that you need time to figure out how you want to proceed. Block all calls from him. Take some time to just think.
3. Talk to the woman: Your boyfriend’s word is trash right now. There’s nothing he can say to make things better. But seeing as how he took it upon himself to create this hurricane in your life, cut him out of the conversation and get to the truth (as the other woman sees it). Have a conversation with her about everything (how they met, if he mentioned that he was in a relationship, was he drunk when they had sex, does she want to be with him, what she’s mentioned about you). Get it all. Including him isn’t necessary at this point because he’ll probably paint things in the most favorable lighting to him.
4. Force him to take a paternity test: The first thing men usually start screaming is, “It ain’t mine!” Get the facts for yourself. Go with him to take a test. If he refuses, dump him immediately! He’s hiding much more!
5. Think about your finances: A child is a lifelong debt. There is no way around that. And if you stay together, you may as well get used to the fact that your money will be impacted. If you can hang with that, accept it. If you can’t, end the relationship.
6. Make a list of pros and cons: Only you know what you can tolerate. But what helps is to make a list of pros and cons. On one side, make a list of all of the things you love about him. On the other side, make a list of all of the things you dislike. Add the child onto the list of cons along with the fights with the jump off, money issues, etc…
7. Don’t reenter the relationship too quickly: You don’t have to go out and date someone to get back at him. But you don’t have to play house with him either. Try being his friend and staying away from situations that will provoke romantic opportunities. If you’re visiting, bring a friend. If you speak on the phone with him, no late-night talks and nothing longer than 1 hour. Let him know that you’re still trying to decide but if he pressures you or threatens you about dating someone else, drop his a**.
8. If the breakup is permanent, try to be his friend: Just because the relationship ends, you don’t have to be enemies. Look for the lighter side of what made your friendship good in the first place. I know what you’re going to say. “Why should I be friends with someone that hurt me?” That’s a valid question. No one’s saying that you have to be friends with him at all. If you want to leave, bounce. But most relationships have some very positive things within them that were built prior to the betrayal. And maybe it’s not such a bad thing to keep those things while discarding the romantic relationship. If your aim is to continue to be his friend, let him know that he doesn’t have any chance at reconciliation. No visits to his home unless it’s waaaaay down the road. Maybe when you have a new lover, introduce him or speak about him whenever you talk. This sends a clear message that you are over him and he doesn’t have a chance.
9. Lean on your friends: If you have one friend you confide in, talk to them. Tell them about the pain. Tell them about the whole situation. But careful with this. It needs to be a friend with good listening skills who will be nonjudgmental. Some women have little tribes whose sole purpose is to talk about how all men ain’t sh**. You don’t need that kind of talk. That kind of talk can push you to revenge very easily.
10. Talk to him: Unless you’re as strong as iron, the first 3 or 4 conversations with your man after this happens will be as messy as a pie-throwing contest. But it’s part of deciding the fate of your relationship. You cannot move in any direction unless you talk openly and honestly to each other about everything; how you got there, how you get past it, the violations, the character flaws…. You have to speak with him no matter how much you dread it. Looking in his eyes and seeing what is in his soul is so important. Look for sincerity. Look for a man standing before you taking responsibility for his mistake. Look for the part of him that will never hurt you again. If any of those things are absent, you have to leave. But talking is the beginning of it all. You can’t avoid it. It’s part of the process.